14 CityLight.org
may 2012
have done anything humanly possible to make
sure she had the best of everything. I would
have helped you take care of her in every way."
At that moment, I was angry with both Lola's
mother and father. I was also angry with myself
because I didn't put forth any effort the locate
my grandchild or to contact her mother. I al-
lowed my son to handle his business. I made
sure he paid his child support and periodically,
he would mention that he had to buy diapers. I
left my grandchild in the at-risk situation that
lead to her death.
It was really difficult. As Lola lay there lifeless,
I experienced every emotion humanly possible;
hurt, pain, anger, guilt (to name a few). How
could anyone do this to an innocent baby? My
heart ached with pain. Prior to this incident I
never watched the News, but for the next few
days after Lola' died I watched the News on ev-
ery local channel. I searched the internet look-
ing for information. Pictures of Lola were ev-
erywhere. I was searching for an answer. On the
surface my son was handling Lola's death well
but he was like a ticking time bomb. God had
His hand on him. He was hurt and experiencing
tremendous pain and guilt. He blamed himself.
Losing his child was one of the most profound,
the most overwhelming, and the most inconsol-
able losses he has ever experienced. We were
forced to believe that God will allow something
Good to come from Lola's death. I needed to
stay focused on that belief so I would not miss
what God had planned for us.
I spoke with my son everyday, communicat-
ing and praying. Everyday I prayed. Asking
for God's Help. Everyday I hurt. Some people
said this could have been construed as a hate
crime, white mother, white boyfriend, mixed
race granddaughter. They wanted my son to
speak out in anger. Publicly speak about his
anger and his pain. They wanted him to get
involved in their issues. He declined. He just
wanted to grieve in private. Several times a day
the News Media spoke about Lola. The News
my son cope with his loss?" This was a sorrow
that cut to the core of my being. An upwelling
of suffering that brought frustration, helplessness,
guilt and anger. It was the death of my son's child,
my grandchild. It was unbearable because it was
two sided; bringing with it the pain of my grand-
child's death and the innate urge as a parent to
protect my son from his pain of grief. I needed
to be a strong source of strength for him, while
experiencing my own pain. I wanted to protect
him from harm and pain. Throughout his life, I've
done that. I kissed away the pain of his scraped
knees and wiped his tears away. I armed him
with love and confidence when he ventured out
into the world. Now that he was suddenly facing
the pain brought on by the death of his little girl,
I felt helpless. This was a pain I could not fix.
A pain that I was also sharing. When entering
ICU. Lola's maternal great-grandmother and
her Pastor were in the waiting room. The great-
grandmother was very sweet and concerned
about my son. The Pastor wanted us to know
that he had baptized Lola. After getting Lola's
mother's permission, whom I was meeting for
the first time, I was allowed to see her. The site
of her broke my heart. She was beautiful, lying
there looking just like my son. I couldn't tell
if she was swollen or just a big girl. Her eyes
were sunk in. She laid there lifeless. The baby's
mother said to me, "If you touch her hand the
monitor changes. She knows you are here."
Her soft little hand was warm. I was so over-
whelmed with grief. I felt my body shaking.
I felt hot. My pain consumed me. I began to
cry. I knew that the monitor changed because
of my body heat not because Lola knew I was
there. I prayed for God to help me, because I
felt the heat of anger all over me. I said "I am
hurt. I am so angry. This was my grandbaby
and you kept her from me. It does not mat-
ter what was going on between you and her
father, she was my flesh and blood. I would
Choosing to Forgive, Never to Forget
"A Grandmother's Secret Cry"
By: Luella Redfern | Continued from page 5
"It was at that moment that I began my journey
from anger, pain and hate to forgiveness and love."